I do have to get my rear to bed, which I will…shortly. I know I’m due for a post here, plus some things I’d like to well write out. Maybe.
I have a tendency to think I should only post about the more positive things. Which I guess is dumb. I guess I shouldn’t care what people do think about I write here or not. Its really meant to be my little spot on the web and I shouldn’t be afraid of that, here or well…anywhere honestly. I lack confidence so I do struggle with that sort of thing. I’ve lost a lot of it over the last couple years, which I need to gain back. I guess really I should only care what I think of myself and well like God and Jesus.
But anyway…I’ve been struggling a lot over the last couple years. Some of it is confidence. Some is my constant worrying. I worry about every possible thing I can just about. And I don’t trust my answers. I tend to go to my mother, which is fine, but I rely too much on her. Its not good for either of us. Plus I know the answers by now, but I still don’t trust myself. And honestly in the end, worrying does nothing. But I just get scared something bad will happen if I don’t. I have ignored them at times, and I find I do better then, but I really have to fight to not ask my mom. This is actually why I’m on anti-depression medication mostly. Though I do suffer from depression as well. Sometimes its real bad, others not so much. I’ve always had issues with this, its just gotten worse the last couple years or so. I also have the tendency to fight against it sort of. I don’t let the medicine do its job. I almost look for things to worry about. I don’t want to…it just happens.
Some of it might be anxiety. I’m not sure really.
I’ve been going to a new doctor for the last few months. My other doctor mostly just gave me my medicine, this one includes a counselor. I’m not sure what I think of it yet. I have a real hard time talking to them. I tend to be quiet and shy, plus I feel like she’ll judge me. Which I know I shouldn’t…her job is to help me.
I’ve been meditating on and off over the year. Mostly on, which I do find helps sometimes. Sometimes more then other times. I do enjoy that.
I’m sure no one is interested in this stuff, but like I said before I really shouldn’t care about that should i? Honestly it wasn’t exactly a entry I was planning…I just decided out of the blue to do it after pestering my mom with questions. She’s mostly patient with it, but…I need to rely on myself too. I guess…I just need to try harder, and fight it. I gotta be strong! Everything will be fine eventually.
I never quite got around to mentioning this in my last post, but you may of noticed I stopped referring to myself as Maroon or Maroon Caludin online. I was inspired by Kassy who recently decided to start using her own name.
My own reasons are similar. Using it is more personal. Plus…well…it feels like a way of growing up. To stop using my online name and use my real name. Many of the reasons Kassy gave, inspired me to do the same.
I wasn’t too sure at first, but decided to give it a go.
I have to say it feels so weird! I’ve used that name for so long. Like since high school, so its weird when I post here or on forums seeing just my actual name. But I think I like it. Feels more…me.
Anyway, that’s why you’ll see less of my online name!
So a brand new year. For me I like to think of it as a fresh start. As usual it sort of is for some things.
In my last entry I shared some goals for this year, so I won’t repeat them here. Instead lets talk about New Years! Not that I have much to say about it.
Our tradition is pretty simple. On New Years Eve we usually have some snack food. Usually taco dip (not huge on it honest), some bread dip, and chips and dip (which is what I had).
We also light any candles or any stuff (usually Christmas stuff mostly) that lights up. And right near midnight we light incense in our smokers (figures that you can burn incense in).
This year, I only stayed up till 11:00 pm. For one I have a hard time staying up these days. I’m always so tired! And I had to work the next day at 7:30 am, so I needed sleep.
New Years Day we don’t do much either. Usually just have a turkey dinner.
So, that’s what we do!
Happy New Years everyone!